Say Nothing
by SyzHfzh
Summary: The brief love story between Tom Kaulitz and I would be engraved in my heart and soul. Remaining there until the day I would die. A Tom K one shot. R&R welcomed! :


**A/N : This one shot goes out to all the heart broken girls and to the first girl that made high school amazing for me, Nikie. ****Thank you IzziexDiyanah for having the patience to beta my stories. Last but not least, don't forget the reviews. I'm waiting! X Syz**

"**Wanna ask you if you love me…"**

"I'm going away," He said softly. "The band's going on tour starting tomorrow." He looked down at his feet, as if he was embarrassed to face me.

None of us said anything. The car was quiet and the night darkened significantly. You could hear one's breathing. I was shocked at the news. Why now? Why didn't he tell me earlier? One day was all I had left. _One_ day.

Breaking the silence, I asked. "For how long?" It was the only question I wanted answered.

"Maybe six or seven months. I was just wondering —" He looked up. "Would you be alright?"

I nodded. Our eyes locked and his was deep and endless. He reached over and engulfed me in a hug, promising me that he would be back and I would be the first person he searches for.

It wasn't enough to make me feel light hearted and bubbly again, but it was good enough to make me feel relieved. That night, we went back to his place where we had a light supper and watched a couple of movies, ranging from horror to romance. I cuddled by his side, heard his heart beat and felt his strong arms around me as I fell asleep. I had hoped that the night would not end. But, like many other wishes, it didn't come true and when I woke up in the morning, I shed tears as I knew I would never see him in person for the next six months. I know, my actions are suited for one who sought attention, but I couldn't control my actions then.

Not wanting to seem weak, I wiped the tears away. So angelic, so beautiful, so calm, I thought as I watched this beautiful man sleeping soundly. It was breathtaking, the site. His eyes twitched and slowly, they fluttered open, making way for the most beautiful brown eyes in the world.

"Good morning." He had said before greeting me with a sleepy smile.

I laid back down next to him, breathing in his scent.

"Had a good night's sleep?" He asked whilst gently stroking my hair.

I nodded against his chest. "What time are you leaving for Germany?" That was where Tokio Hotel would hold their first concert for this tour.

He turned to look at the clock that was on the bedside table. "In about an hour or so." Turning back around to face me, he said "Don't worry, I promise to call you." Giving me a kiss on my forehead, he pushed the sheets back and made his way into the bathroom to freshen up for the flight.

I buried my face in the pillow, breathing in his scent yet again. We've only known each other for three months and yet, it felt like forever. Our story sounded like a cliché one, but what good would life be if cliché's didn't happen once in a while, right?

The bedroom door flew open. I sat up, shocked. My heart beat, the offending organ threatening to jump out almost as if there was no longer space in my chest cavity.

"_Guten Morgen!"_

I saw the person the same time I heard the voice. Bill Kaulitz was the devil who caused me to almost lose my heart.

"God damn it, Bill. Don't you know how to knock? God!" I said, trying to calm my heart down.

"Well, why should I? It's my house and how would I know you're around? I don't live my life stalking Tom." Bill replied, laughing.

I threw a pillow at him, and to my surprise, the pillow hit its target. I was never a good shot. I stuck my tongue out at him before a pillow flew by my head. I looked at the pillow then looked back at Bill. Oh, you want a pillow fight, eh? I thought to myself. Slowly, my hand began creeping towards whatever near me that was soft.

Unfortunately, before I could offer Bill a counter attack, Tom came out of the bathroom and I was distracted by water glistening down his abs — didn't his mother teach him to dry his body? Good god.

I stared at him, long and hard. I didn't even notice that Bill left the room. My eyes trailed Tom as he went into the closet. When I could no longer see him, I snapped out of my somewhat trance. I looked at the watch — forty-five minutes to freshen up. I grabbed the extra towel that was laid out for me and stepped into the bathroom.

I stripped and stepped into the shower, putting it onto full blast, secretly hoping that it would wash all the pain away. I don't know why, I just couldn't bare the thought of leaving him or in this case, him leaving me. I was afraid — afraid of his reputation. I was afraid of the hurt I would feel if he ever lived up to the nickname everyone gave him.

I turned the shower off and cold air began engulfing me, but it felt good. I took the towel and wiped myself dry before stepping into the room yet again. I found Tom pacing back and forth from the closet to his bag on the bed. I stood still, not wanting to break his concentration. I loved it when he was into something he was doing, his face intense and blank at the same time.

Tom wore acid-washed, straight cut jeans, a black shirt with a checkered top over it and of course, a black beanie. As usual, he looked perfect. He zipped his bag and made his way to me, pulling me into his arms and kissing the top of my head.

"Promise me you will take care of yourself."

It wasn't a question. It was more of a command. But nevertheless, I nodded. I don't know why this separation was so painful. The business required people to travel and I knew that first hand. As a matter of fact, I was used to that kind of lifestyle. But, why did it hurt so much? What made this time so different from the others? I backed away from Tom, just enough to look into his eyes.

I etched those eyes into my memory one final time before breaking away from his grasp to get dressed. I borrowed one of Tom's oversized button down shirts and paired it with the skinny jeans I wore last night. I closed the door to the closet. I didn't need him seeing me naked. Not now. I slipped comfortably into my clothes and went over to the dressing table to dry and comb my hair. I wanted to look my best and let him remember me that way.

A knock on the closet door made me jump.

"It's time to leave. Come on." I heard Tom shout from the other side.

I quickly grabbed my bag and put my sunglasses on. Opening the door, I flashed my widest smile and was greeted by Tom's precious one. His backpack was on his right shoulder and using his left hand, he grabbed my hand and together, we walked out toward the car.

The huge Escalade transported the three of us — Bill, Tom and myself — along with their bodyguards to LAX. I was disappointed that the traffic was smooth today. Out of all the times for a traffic jam to occur, now would be perfect. God didn't seem to favor me today. _Everything_ was going wrong. I sighed and leaned on Tom's shoulder. He put his arm around me like he usually does, rubbing my arm. "It's for encouragement and to let you know that I'd always be by your side," he once said.

LAX stood mighty ahead of us and I knew the time I had was now reduced to an inch of second. He would be gone for half a year and I would be stuck here, missing him. Probably even take a lot of trips down memory lane.

As the car took the turn to the international departure building, I kissed him for as long as I could.

"Take care." I said. "I love you." I couldn't follow him down as that would just make things worse. I could already see the Tokio Hotel Aliens waiting for their idols at the entrance. I moved to the front seat to make it look like I was part of their entourage and nothing more, hoping no one would recognize me. Turning back, I took one last look at Tom before the car was taken over by screams and shouts escorted by flashing cameras.

Being the professionals that they are, Bill and Tom put on smiles to greet their fans. Stepping off the car, they began posing with their fans and signing autographs for them. Some were decent but others were more daring — kissing the boys, hugging them, holding onto them for dear life. Jealousy stabbed me in the chest. Calm down, they're just fans, I told myself.

My eyes tailed Tom's person for as long as I could and when I could no more, I instructed the driver to drive away. The feeling of emptiness immediately made its way through my heart. I had no parents and no family. Twenty years had past since I last felt loved by someone. My parents passed on when I was a little girl of eight and I had no siblings. I became an orphan and constantly moved around foster homes. I had the best time of my lives during those years — always meeting new people. When I turned eighteen, I no longer qualified for the system and moved to Los Angeles, hoping that I could find employment as a model or some other thing.

Now, four years later, I had a ton of endorsements and enough money to last a lifetime. To top it all off, I met Tom Kaulitz. Before he came along, my life only revolved around work. I had no friends as money was my priority. Hell, no one wanted to get to know me because they had heard rumors about me. The most famous one is of me being a sex slave to my manager and that was how I got my break. I have no care for untrue stories that were being told. What I cared about was that someone out there would actually believe it and ruin my chances of booking a job or something much more important than that.

I believe Tom had heard of those rumors about me, but I'm thankful that he didn't believe anything so easily. I couldn't imagine it if he were to believe everything he had heard or read about me. It would've been disastrous. This relationship would have ended the moment it began.

Vogue Italia waited the next day. It was a shoot I couldn't miss. Thus, I bathed again the moment I got home and changed into Tom's button down shirt, making it my sleepwear for the night. That night, I drifted to sleep with my thoughts focused on Tom, hoping that I would be blessed by a dream of him.

I lived through everyday for the next six months engulfed in work and if work hadn't exhausted me, only then would I allow myself to think about Tom. I would occasionally receive text messages saying how much he missed me or emails with homemade videos. But what I missed most was being able to touch him and hear his heart beating. I couldn't wait for the day he would return to Los Angeles.

After weeks of patiently waiting, the day came that he would finally return. I waited for a call, a text, anything, to tell me where and when I could meet him. But to no avail, my phone and door bell stayed silent the whole day. Odd, I thought. He told me he'd be back today. I paced the house, wondering why there was no news of him whatsoever. I decided to surf the net. How else do you stalk a rock star?

I found pictures of him at the airport — _recent_ pictures — dated a day ago! Did I remember the date wrongly? I checked my emails and then the date on my phone. No, I didn't. Then, why? Why did he not contact me? I tried consoling myself with every explanation I could think of, but nothing satisfied my curious mind. I decided that I would go and face him.

I stood and grabbed my car keys off the kitchen counter. I pressed the down button several times, willing the elevator to arrive faster.

_D__ing, _it sounded as the doors to the metal box opened. I stepped in and waited impatiently for the elevator to reach the ground floor.

_Ding__,_ it sounded as the doors open yet again. I flew through the lobby and straight into my Audi R8. I revved-up the engine and off I was to face Tom Kaulitz and demand an explanation. I couldn't stop myself from trying to figure out why he didn't come and look for me like he promised. Did he have a change of heart maybe? Did he meet someone new on tour? Would he do that? Would he cheat on me? Well, the answer to that question was yes. I am dating a self-proclaimed player, why would he not cheat on me?

Then, if that was the case, I've lied to myself in order to make things seem like a happily-ever-after. How could I do that to myself? I stopped myself from forming baseless conclusions. No, maybe he was just tired. That was also another possible reason. Hell, it could be any reason and that's why I needed to see him. I just needed to know. I was getting more desperate with every turn nearing the Kaulitz villa. I was never one to settle for less than the things I needed and answers to unanswered questions were things I hated the most.

After twenty minutes of driving, the entrance to the villa was finally visible. I stopped at the guard house and rolled down my window.

"Good afternoon. Is Mr. Tom Kaulitz in?" I asked the guard politely. Yes, I wanted answers. But, it wasn't necessary to be rude in order to retrieve them.

"I'm sorry, miss. He's not in. He just went out around fifteen minutes ago." The guard replied.

Damn! I took out my cell phone and sent a text to him. I uttered thank you and backed out of the drive way. I checked my cell phone and there was no reply, whether it was an email or text. Nothing. _Nada._ I slammed the steering wheel and leaned back, taking in deep breaths. I'm sure he has a reason, I told myself, just stay calm. I drove on, not knowing where I was headed.

I found myself in Santa Monica. Perfect! I thought. The beach is just what I needed. I could already imagine the waves crashing into the sand and the breeze kissing every part of my body that was exposed. I parked the car, took my sunglasses and pashmina before securely locking the car. I could smell the ocean and hear the waves, my steps quickening with every second, excited to allow my eyes to feast upon endless waters.

The beach was deserted, there weren't many people. At least the Gods favored me today, I thought. I slipped off my flip flops, feeling the rough sands on my bare feet. I treaded onwards, walking until I found an alienated spot — hidden from view and partially hidden from the sun.

I flared out my pashmina and comfortably lay myself on it. Covering my face, I closed my eyes, willing myself to drift to sleep, accompanied by the warm breeze and the calming music of the ocean. I could hear my heart beating in my ears. _Thump, thump, thump. _A sure sign I lived. Then, why did he ignore me? The question that initially haunted me began to flood my thoughts yet again. But, as usual, my mind was unable to form an answer that satisfied me.

I grabbed the sand next to where I lay and sat up. My vision slowly turned back to normal after I opened my eyes. I hugged my legs and stared out — something I seem to be doing a lot these days. Would I ever get the answers I wanted? My mind began to examine the memories I had with him, searching for any clues concerning how he felt towards me. That was when I realized — he had never said the three words I have often said to him. Yes, the way he acted around me was that of one who was in love, but he's never actually spoken those three words to me.

To know that fact pulled my self esteem a little lower than what I'd like it to be. Who knew the first guy I had fallen head over heels with for the first time in… forever, doesn't love me back?

I sighed and lay on the sand. What do I do now? The question ran through my mind endlessly. There were several answers to that question and the one that seemed like it made most sense was to just walk away, just as he had done to me. The answers I wanted would never see the light of day and everything about our relationship would forever remain in the darkness of my past.

Today, for the first time in my life, I decided to give up on a thing I haven't even begun to fight for. Today, not for the first time, someone I truly loved left me, alone yet again. I left it not because I didn't appreciate it. I left it because I didn't want the memories we had created to be altered by events that would happen in the future. I was content to keep it that way and even though it would hurt me, it wouldn't hurt as much as it would if I pursued him and ended up getting nothing but a cold brick wall.

My mind was set and my heart was determined. Standing up and brushing the sand off my pashmina, I walked off the beach and headed back to Los Angeles. It was a small town and the chances of bumping into him were tremendous. But, that was a different matter all together. For now, Fate has once again changed its mind, throwing me back to where I started.

As the sun began to set, ending a perfectly beautiful day filled with joy, pain and realization, I whispered my final goodbyes to the wind.

"Goodbye Tom Kaulitz. I asked for your love and indeed, love was showered upon me. I asked for affection and with affection you have blessed me. I pray that you live your happy life and I hope things would run smoothly for you. Until we meet again in the future, I love you."

The brief love story between Tom Kaulitz and I would be engraved in my heart and soul. Remaining there until the day I would die.


End file.
